I told someone today that I've had a long month. And it's only May 8th.
I am hopeful that this month will not have the financial hits that we endured last month. Repairs to both cars, a hospitalization (Robbie had stomach bug that rapidly led to dehydration and he was there for 2 days getting IV fluids), multiple people having doctor appointments and scripts, and more... and more... and more... Watching our emergency fund dissipate was an experience. On the bright side, we had an emergency fund, and we continue to have one, even if it has regressed to a baby one again. But we'll build it back up for the next time.
This month has been emotionally draining. I spent several days visiting my parents. It's hard watching a loved one deal with cancer, and at this point, I will only say we appear to be in this for a while, and it is apparent that the only way out is going to be even sadder for me. I do not want to think or write much more about that. I can't. I will have to live through it, and I will, but it's not fun, and I am trying to be glad for what I still have. I was fine while I was there, but upon coming home, I can tell how drained and sad I am.
Then today we had Robbie's summer IEP meeting and it was the usual experience. Even walking down the hallway to the appointment was hard - seeing all the regular second graders' work lining the walls and knowing that isn't our experience, and won't be... Sometimes when you see what isn't possible, it makes it harder to accept what is - and celebrate what we do have. But I will celebrate anyway. One day at a time.
I realized when I had my regular counseling appointment, and was done talking, that if I had a friend dealing with all the things I have been dealing with lately, I would tell her to be gentle with herself. I would pray for her, and tell her that this *is* a lot to deal with, and it is good that she has someone to talk to, and more.
So why won't I be gentle with myself?
Instead I berate myself - I bought a card for someone who is getting married, and I haven't managed to get it into the mail. I have mother's day cards for my mother, but I haven't managed to get the kids to sign them, let alone mail them. And I could go on and on. All I seem to see is what I haven't managed to get done.
I'm going to try and stop that. I have been very busy since I got home. I was gone almost a week, and I have a to-do list a mile long, and I have made good progress on much of it. It's okay that the list is never-ending. It's okay that I can't get it all done in one day or even in a week. It's OKAY to be sad.
And that's the end of this month's big post about me me me. Onward to the rest of May.
