I need to focus.
Once more, I need to remember that I'm a daughter of the King.
And I need to remember that He loves me.
It's been a rough year (or two, or three, or ten).
I was remembering today the day I found out that I was pregnant with Robbie. I was thrilled, amazed, happy, and sure it wouldn't last. Hey, 10 miscarriages (or more), you don't really believe that it's happening with just the first positive test, or the first beta.
And then the nurse called after a long weekend, 4 days of waiting between tests and told me that the beta had doubled, and wasn't that great!
She was so bubbly and happy for me. And then I burst her bubble... "I hate to say this, but it hasn't been 2 days between tests. It's been 4."
And she said oh and then was so silent. Doubling in 4 days instead of 2? not a great sign.
I knew the drill. I'd be coming in again in two days for another beta. We'd need to be sure. Until it went down and then down to zero... I'd be getting stuck for betas... And then she took a breath and I knew the words she was going to say... and yes, she said them.
"Well, remember, as long as it's going up, there is still hope."
I didn't have any.
Two days later, the beta more than doubled. And kept rising, and then there was a heartbeat and then movement and a birth and wow, a baby. A real live baby in my arms again.
Oh, I loved that feeling.
I need hope.
I don't have any for myself. I can hope for other people so easily. So willingly. But for myself? Nope.
Yet, every day I pray for Robbie. Please heal him. But I pray without hope.
Please heal my foot. Please heal my heart. Please be with me. Please help me...
What I need to pray is this.
Please help me to hope.
Please help me to believe.
Please help me to remember that You are the one true God and You are hope.
The answer may not be what I want it to be... but there is still hope.