The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
I read this verse often.
I didn't know what to write today. Scratch that - I know what I want to write, but I don't like to write about it. Sometimes even saying the words reminds me that I fight this battle again and again.
What do you fear?
I wonder about the future, but I don't think I'm afraid of it. I wonder if Robbie will be able to pursue a full life or follow Jesus fully - but I am not afraid for that either.
The only thing I truly fear is the battle I fight against depression.
I read and reread this verse to remind myself that there is no reason to fear. The Lord is my light and my salvation. He is the stronghold of my life.
But... when you're once again laying awake at night, with thoughts of how life would be so much better for everyone if there just wasn't a you in the way... and when the fleeting thought crosses your mind for the millionth time - wishing that you could just not wake up in the morning... wishing that life was just over...
I didn't say that they were reasonable thoughts. They are the thoughts that I battle. Call them what you may - the products of depression, the barbs and attacks of the enemy, the battle I have been in for so many decades...
They are what I fear at times. Not that I will act on those thoughts, but that they steal from the moments of joy I get to experience. So once again, I return to the scriptures and say:
The Lord is my light and my salvation. Whom shall I fear?...