The Secret of Living

Turn Back the Clock

I had something in mind to write for today. Unfortunately, today went downhill quickly, with a headache for Robbie while having distance Speech therapy with our school SLP. 

Somehow we made through the have-to-do list and I decided that I would type a note tonight.

Headache recurrence or headache #2 means I am currently praying for relief for him. I am remembering our sweet little boy and wondering how tonight would have looked. Would he be in band? would he be in the CatBox cheering for the football game? Would he be driving a car? 

Robbie, age 5

Time to.stop.this train of thought... Woulda coulda shoulda. is not what is. Tomorrow we will do something fun. Maybe bake or I don't know.

Right now. I will settle for pain relief. Anything else can wait.

Longest

There are so many words in my head and none that want to be written today. This is the longest week of the longest year ever. 

Whisper, O Lord, your peace to my soul

Peace is something that I am not good at achieving.  The big problem is that I keep trying to achieve it, as if it is an accomplishment. It is not something I can do. It is listed in the fruits of the spirit (Love, Joy, Peace, um.... I can hear some of my past small group leaders saying, c’mon Tracy You can do it!... oh yes, patience, faith, gentleness, and self-control. Checks Galatians. NOPE.) Let’s return to the source instead. 

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,²³ gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

       Galatians 5 :22-23 ESV

I know this verse. I’ve learned it and relearned it and forgotten again. It is time to put a notecard up in my kitchen! I need this verse. I need them all. But right now, I’m writing about peace.

I always have a lot going on in my life. If you’re new here, this is the backstory in a nutshell. I am a special needs mom to Robbie (16, moderate to severe autism and other things), wife to K, mother to two adult children making their way, Christian, friend, and depressed person extraordinaire. Wait. Strike that. ... friend, and depression warrior, fighting the battle daily with the weapons I have been given by the Lord!

Pretend I have inserted a warrior picture here. I am not actually going to do that.

What I will do is say that with all that is going on, I try not to talk about some of it most of the time. Robbie is at times... dare I say... difficult. He is in virtual school and his team is wonderful but the day to day grind of school life with his therapies and moods does wear one down occasionally frequently at times. And add in the weight of the pandemic and the election and my ankle pain and you have one seriously tired woman of God.

I am avoiding social media for the most part right now. I don’t watch the news. I am trying to stay on an even keel. I am working hard at it. Wait. Full stop. What am I saying???? 

Time to return to what the word says. I can NOT accomplish peace on my own. Ever. Not real peace. Real peace is something we can accept from God. He already gave it to us.

²⁷ Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

John 14:27

There are many other verses about peace, but this is the one I return to. This is Jesus speaking at the Passover supper before his arrest and crucifixion. He gives HIS peace. Not as the world gives... not with money, or things, or promises, or good things happening in our lives... but right before He was going to die for us, He gives His peace. 

I do not believe that true peace is going to happen for people based on who is elected. There will be good times, and bad times, and horrible times, and wonderful times, and all I can do is reach out and hold onto the One who gives peace. 

I’ve been listening to “It is Well with my Soul” on Youtube. Different versions, so I am not going to link to any of them, but I want to highlight a couple of verses.

The first verse is familiar to many Christians:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Horotio F. Stafford wrote this song in 1873. If you don’t know the full story of when he wrote this song, you should look it up. It was written at a very hard time in his life. To be able to say, no matter what happens, it is well with my soul, and to write this song for all of us to share in - what a gift. 

I can breathe deep and sigh as I listen to this song. I feel stress leaving me and I can pray. It is the fourth verse that means the most to me:

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

Amen, Lord. Please whisper your peace to my soul. I ask you to open my mind and ears so I can hear it and receive it. I ask you to open my heart and spirit so I can receive your fruits of the spirit and give to others as You have given to us. It is well, it is well with my soul. 

 

The One Where I Show My Cat

This is Finn. He is 4 years old. He was a flea-ridden, parasite-filled, sick little guy with a huge purr when we got him from the shelter. It took one flea treatment, one round of antibiotics, and 3 rounds of de-worming medicine to make him the handsome orange boy that you see here. He is the 2nd softest cat that I have ever had in my home. (1st place goes to Kashmir. Kazi was the softest sweet boy.). 

Finn is not very gifted in the traditional feline graces. He thumps onto the bed after he manages to climb that high. He has trouble jumping onto the furniture. To get onto my lap, he has to take a long twisty route that ends with him cautiously walking from the sofa to the recliner arm to where he sighs and lets himself collapse onto my lap.

What Finn excels at... what cannot be seen in a photo, but only felt, is his ability to make you feel loved by him completely. He starts purring the second he reaches my lap. He presses in to be held, to be loved. And in doing so, he is a helpful calming source of peace in my overwhelmed heart. 

He has spent a lot of time on my lap today. It is too many things to list here. Too much to do, too much pain in my ankle and my mind today. Today I told myself that I could put all the balls I am constantly juggling down on the ground... and pick them up tomorrow; or I could watch them all crash down and shatter.  I decided to put them down and try to take care, to stop the world for a bit and only do the absolute have-tos.  

Slowly I found my way to more peace. I do not know how to keep juggling. What I do know is a) my Finn loves being with me, and b) God loves me and is with me. So I am going to sleep now, and my Finn is already laying next to me. 

Praying for peace in my heart, in your travails, and in life for us all.

Old dogs and new tricks

Note: We are not going to have a dog. Robbie is terrified of dogs
and I have always had cats and love them too much to add a dog to the mix. 

Can you teach an old dog new tricks? It’s an old saying, and the assumption is that you can't teach them new tricks. That’s not actually true. I googled and discovered many articles about this question. The most serious one that I found is this one which was a study into whether old dogs could learn new tricks and if it would help avoid cognitive decline. My first thought was “this is an actual study? a multi-year study?” and yes, it is. And then I realized that this is helpful for humans as well, to see that even old dogs can learn new tricks. Maybe this middle-of-the-way-to-old-age woman can learn something new. 

So the question I had was “Can I learn to speak Spanish? I didn’t see why I could. After all, I’ve been married for 32 years to a Cuban. He can speak Spanish and English. Most of his family speaks Spanish and English. I took a semester of college Spanish years and years ago. I had taken French for 5 years in junior and senior high school and can still muddle my way through reading it, but speaking it? Not a chance. But Spanish... surely I could have learned Spanish. But I haven’t been able to learn all that much.

I learned enough to get by with those of the older generation who either didn’t speak English or forgot I didn’t speak Spanish all that well. My father in law forgot more and more often as the years went by. He’d speak Spanish and I’d figure it out enough to answer in English and he would respond in Spanish again... Considering that he had learned 3 languages in his lifetime, which is more than I can pretend to speak, and the fact that he was fluent in English as well after living here since the mid 1960s... what is wrong with me???

So when the opportunity arose to take a free course on Coursera through the university K works for, I decided to take a chance. After 4 weeks, I am nowhere near fluent. I can’t even speak in anything but present tense. It is also evident to me that you get what you put into the course. It’s up to me to learn. However... the answer to my question? Puedo aprender a hablar español. (If I just wrote that wrong, don’t tell me yet. I’m pleased I could do this much!)

NaBloPoMo 2020

I am somewhat apprehensive about deciding to engage in a blog posting experience that I have not done in years. After all, 2020 has already lasted for a few years at least. How long will November be, instead of the normal 30 days? So I decided that I shall commit to posting on the first 30 days of November. If there are more than that, as has happened in March, April, May, etc., I will quit and yet will have accomplished my goal.

NaBloPoMo is National Blog Posting Month. It used to be a big deal for bloggers back in the day. And yes, all signs of my archives to the contrary, I was posting back in the day. Way back in 2005 I started my first blog. Those posts live on in infamy my original blog which is now password protected and not open for business. Occasionally I dip into that blog and find the least (most) embarrassing post about one of my elder children and post it. Or I find delightful pictures to share.

At the moment, I am typing away on my son’s iPad Pro. We got a smart keyboard thing for it and it is the best idea we have had in ages. My computer sadly has gone down for the 8 count, but we are hoping that someone (with skills we have never possessed) will revive it and it may live on for a few more months, if not years. But with the aid of this keyboard and a bluetooth mouse, I am able to get by. 

So with all these restrictions on my usual ease of posting, and in the immortal words of my coursera spanish class: “Vamos a ellos!”

10 Things I Learned This Summer

I have decided to join in with Emily Freeman's quarterly reflections on the past season. It is a great idea to look back and see what happened, and what I learned from it. I enjoyed looking back and finding these things in a highly unusual summer. 

1. S'mores in the Grill

Every summer Robbie goes to camp at Medcamps, a special needs camp. He loves going. Due to Covid and the camp population, we had Medcamps at Home instead. 

There were a few zoom meetings, and there were recommended activities. Robbie's favorite activity was to make s'mores. But we don't have a fire pit, and open fires are prohibited. What to do? My husband said - we'll make a wood fire inside our charcoal grill! I never knew that you could make a wood fire inside a S'mores - fire in a grill. It worked perfectly and Robbie enjoyed his s'mores a great deal (and so did we!).

2. Kebabs are the best food ever. 

I have had kebabs before, but this summer, I fell in love with them. It was probably this recipe that cemented my deep love for them. Hawaiian Chicken Kabobs (note - I have always known these as Kebabs, but Kabobs is an alternate spelling that is also correct, according to Merriam Webster!) have been a lovely addition to our summer. We managed to make them for both Father's Day and for my birthday. While it was sad not to get to everything we normally do this summer, we had lovely times anyway.

3. Hummingbirds and relaxation

Hummingbirds are impossible to photograph with my phone -- and getting away by myself was one of the best things I have ever done. I went to a bed and breakfast that we had been to before, with my husband's blessing. I got time away from the stresses of life, which enabled me to relax, reflect, and find time with God. The other motive I had for getting away was to take time to figure out what I want to write and why. I learned a lot about myself. I also found that spark inside me that helps me write and I am writing again. Not as much as I'd like, but definitely a step in the right direction.

The view outside my room at the bed and breakfast.
There really was a hummingbird just a moment before the picture. 

4. Buying New Shoes for Robbie, Made Easier!

It only took me forever to learn how to buy new shoes for Robbie in an easier way. Robbie is 16 and has autism, and buying shoes has gotten easier over the years, but still tends to be a minefield where he doesn't WANT to put on the new shoes. We've gotten him to try them on but then he wants to leave them at the store. This time, I looked at the old shoes' model number, googled to see if they still existed or if there was a new model of them. There was a new generation of that model, so voila, I had him try them on, and he wanted to take them home. He didn't want to WEAR them home, of course, but that would ha.taken a larger miracle than I received.

Ta-da!

5. Breathe    

I know I know, a morning quiet time is a great idea. But I always seemed to need to get my bible out and all this other stuff, and then I had to get someone else ready to go, and by the time I was ready to read, I was all wound up. 

I started using an app on my phone to read through the bible daily. Now I pick up my phone, turn off the alarm, and go to the app. The only way to explain what this does for me is this: It makes room in my heart to breathe. When the first thing I focus on is God's words, it help me focus on what is really important. My shoulders relax, I can breathe deeply, and by the time I roll out of bed, I feel relaxed, instead of worrying about what I have to do. I didn't expect it to be this helpful, but it has been the best thing I've done for me all summer.

6. Macarons

I can still learn how to bake new things. Also, baking with my adult daughter is so much fun. She wanted to learn to make macarons, so step by step, we figured it out. They were tasty and we think we can do better. We also learned that this green was a very bad color to tint the shells with, especially since we made a blueberry filling. But it tasted great!

7. Hurricanes can make it all the way up from the coast.

This was about a half hour before we lost power for the next couple of days. My usual response to friends wondering if we'll be affected by a hurricane was to say, "Don't worry! We live near the Arkansas border! It will be a tropical storm at worst!" 

I will never say that again. Laura remained a hurricane until the storm was in Arkansas. Our town lost 95% of the power grid, and many people didn't have power for a week. And we are a community that is doing much better than most. While the Gulf Coast was hit by a cat 4 storm and is dealing with a full scale disaster, this wasn't just a rainstorm up here. We got hit by a hurricane. It was my first time going through a hurricane, and I hope it's the last time too.

8. Cats and Sunlight

I have known for decades that cats adore sunlight. Even if it's just a tiny bit, they will sit and absorb it. But... I didn't know that they would fight for it! Twice this past month, I've seen them going at it to have sole possession of a scrap of sunlight, even when there is another patch just a few feet away!

9. Watch out for those curbside orders!

It is very important to double check what you are ordering, especially when you are ordering groceries. Because you might think you ordered 4 potatoes.... but instead you ordered this: 

Four 5-lb bags of potatoes. Oops. Thankfully I was able to give away 2 of the bags!

10. I am really not good at asking for help.

The reason I haven't been able to finish this blog post until today was that I have been very busy learning how to ask for help. I had ankle surgery last week and just getting down the hallway is a challenge. I have a knee scooter that I borrowed and it is very helpful, but sometimes I am so tired, I have had to ask for help just to make it to my foot! We've accepted help from our small group and church for meals, and it has been so nice to receive. I feel guilty at times, because I don't like to be a burden. But how can we give to others if we aren't willing to allow others to give help to us? I can't be the one taking care of everyone else, not even some of the time. I am not being a burden. I am just facing a harder time, one that should get better soon thankfully. It is a blessing to give, and a blessing to receive. I am glad that I am learning to accept help even a bit better!

The Spiral Staircase

Once again, I went down the staircase without realizing it. Just once I wish there would be a warning sign. It needs to be extremely precise and large and state: YOU ARE GETTING DEPRESSED. 

Instead, I look back and realize that I started avoiding social media, and I didn't text or phone a friend this week, and I started spending more time alone (which is actually difficult to do in a house with 4 other people, but somehow I managed it). I just wrote a run-on sentence and my English teacher is probably quite upset with me, she would be more upset to see this comma splice.

Explanation: In my senior AP English class, you received two grades for every essay. One was for content and the other was for grammar. If you had a run-on sentence or a comma splice, it was an automatic ZERO. I got one ZERO for grammar, and it cured me forever and ever. Until now. But hey, it's a joke. Just don't ask me about the significance of the mask in The Mask of Apollo. I read it! I tried to figure it out. I just never ever got it, and I got a zero for content for the first and only time in my life. I am still scarred.

The weirdest sign that I am getting depressed is actually that I start getting funnier and less serious. I will manage to change the subject. I deflect questions - meaning I will not answer questions, because I won't lie... but maybe I don't want to tell the whole truth. I have fleeting thoughts like "I want to die." "I wish I could go elsewhere." "I wish I could just sleep forever."

Am I going to act on it? No. Am I suicidal? No, not actively in any degree. I just don't want to wake up in the morning. I have been at the bottom of the pit of despair, and I am here to tell you that MY pit of despair has a basement and I have been there. It is not a pretty place. I do not want to go back again. I like to be alive. I like living. I like my family and much of my life. I just have a weird brain. And I can live with it. 

So what to do now? I present to you Tracy's Triage List for Depression. 

1. Realize I am in the Pit of Despair (always read this like in the Princess Bride).
   

2. Figure out how far down I am. Usually the first level down - unless I really haven't been paying attention or it was a strange drop.
   
   
3. What am I thinking? What kind of thoughts? Currently it's "nothing will ever change, this is my life, and I am tired. Nothing will ever change. It's pointless."
   
   
4. CHANGE my thinking. What does God say about this? (The answer here varies a lot!)
   
   
5. Focus on what is good and true and right and everything else listed in Philippians 4:8-9 (ESV). 

   ⁸ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. ⁹ What you have learned^[e] and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

6. This has to be a decision on my part. I can't just wait for everything to be better. But this is an action step. It requires me to actively think about the Word. I find the center of my faith. I look for verses that help. I remember that God is with me. I am not alone. I pray.
   
   
7. In this case, what I am thinking is partially the truth. If I rewrite what I am thinking as TRUTH - then I can say: Nothing may change, this is my life, I am tired. <-- with the change of the word may for the words willl ever, this much is true. But the rest isn't true. Even if nothing changes, it is not pointless. My life has purpose and I just need to remember what it is. As a Christian, the Lord has a lot to tell me about the purpose of my life. I'm not going to get into that right now. But it remains true - I have purpose. I have a future. It is NOT pointless.

This is how I spent this morning. When I woke up, I realized how low I was. I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to return to sleep and to not be.  I could keep it inside and watch myself spiral down farther, or I could look for the truth. The truth is that my life has purpose. It is not pointless. It can be hard at times, and it is definitely stressful at this point. But it will never be pointless. There is hope.  

I do ask for your prayers. I pray that I will always be able to see the signs, and that I can keep turning to Jesus. I also need to remember to tell someone. Thankfully, I have people who care and I have hope. Always.

In These Uncertain Times

It has been a long week. With every day, it feels like time is rushing forward, after months of seeming to stand still.

Our most recent decision was to sign Robbie up for the virtual program in our school district. The pros and the cons and our prayers and our gut say to keep him home. Today I went to Prep Day and got his Chromebook for use at home. I've already talked twice with his teacher and we are going to get it all figured out. I am pleased that he wants to make certain that Robbie "attends" class at least a couple of times per week, but the classwork will primarily be asynchronous (on his own time). We are going to be talking with the therapists to figure out how his OT, ST, and APE are going to be handled. The first two will be via computer, but APE might be in person, one on one with the therapist. We shall see.

We were blessed with a desk for Robbie via our church's group for sharing things that we no longer need. It's a nice size and will fit in his room. We are setting up an area for school to happen. The school year is coming, even if it's different than usual.

Next up? It's hard to say. There are so many things whirling around and much of it is definitely not under our control! In these uncertain times... you know, I keep saying - since when have the times been certain? I do not know the days I have. Nor does anyone else. They are always uncertain. These are absolutely even more uncertain times, but... sometimes I just think that we are seeing through the superficial things that mask the truth - that we never know when, where, what, and often how life will be. 

Please don't misunderstand me - I think these are very hard times. It has made me consider what is important in my life. Faith. Family. Friends. I have been wondering how to best use my energy and resources to do what I should do in each of these areas. 

Next up... Robbie starts school next week. K is preparing for the fall quarter, which begins in September. I am dealing with a problem ankle that I actually severely sprained in late February, and it is possible that I am going to have surgery to see if it can be fixed that way. Before that, Robbie has an appointment in Baton Rouge. Life just keeps rolling along. I may not know what is next, but God already knows. Matthew 6: 9-34 reminds me that He provides for us. He will provide even in these uncertain times.

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:34 (ESV)

The Best Dog

 

Those who know me well (and most of those who know me a little) know that I am a lover of cats. I usually have 2 cats in my home, sometimes three, rarely just one, except when I have had to say goodbye to a sweet kitty. We've thought about getting a dog sometimes, but I've never fallen in love with one enough to have him or her in my home... with one exception.

I loved Riley the first time I saw a picture. I fell more and more in love with him as the years have gone by. But he was never mine. He's my mom and dad's dog.

Wasn't he the most adorable puppy?!?

I heard story after story about him growing up. Mom house-trained him and I heard all about it. Riley discovered squirrels and geese and loved racing around the yard trying to catch them. I don't think he ever did.

The most handsome dog in the world, after one of his grooming appointments.
I know it was then because he has on a bandanna. 

For a while I was the guardian of choice. They asked me if I would be willing to take him if "something" ever happened. And I, the cat lover, the person who never thought I'd have a dog, said "OH YES, PLEASE!" Eventually I lost my status as guardian of choice, as Riley would go back to my cousin's farm where he was born to see his mom and sis and let my parents go away on a trip. Dad would tell him that he was going to the "dude ranch" because my cousins have horses and a boarding stable/riding arena. Riley loved going there and seeing his other people. I knew then that if "anything" ever happened that Riley would go live there. And I started considering having a dog someday. Maybe I will. Probably I won't. It wouldn't be Riley.

Riley started slowing down a bit a couple of years ago. I sent a present for Christmas and he loved it again. He loved trying to destroy his frog toys. I would hunt for one that I thought he would like.  

New frog toy for Christmas! He was 13 in this picture.

In February, I got to visit Riley. He was definitely much slower. He was stiffer and would still go chase a squirrel if given the chance, but he would pay dearly for the experience. And recently Daddy told me that it was definitely getting to be time, that there were more health conditions. So when I got the news, I wasn't surprised.

My favorite dog in the entire universe died yesterday. Riley was 15. I am sad about saying goodbye and I am grieving for my dad and sister who will miss his daily presence. I loved him. 

He was the best dog ever.